A Not So “Serene” Christmas
by Katana Sidhe
Summary: One shot. Christmas celebrations aboard Serenity, Mal isn't too happy about it. The fic takes place after the events of the movie. Slightly "fluffy" with some Simon/Kaylee and Mal/River.


**A/N: **This was a christmas present for a friend that I decided to go ahead and stick up cause I kinda like it. It's just a one shot and it takes place after the movie Serenity. I'm personally not much of a River/Mal shipper (I prefer River/Jayne) buuut my friend does so there you go. I hate being overly sappy so please let me know if I pushed it too far into sap, I really tried not to.

**A Not-So-"Serene" Christmas**

Mal was annoyed. No, he was more than annoyed. This wasn't about Christmas. This was about principles. Cause damn it, he was the captain of this ship and what he said went. And Mal said no celebrating of Christmas on Serenity. It was an old holiday of Earth That Was and Mal preferred to keep it that way, simple as that. He'd said as much when it had come up the day before in Persephone. He'd thought they'd listened. And now this. He'd come to find strands of odd…things… all around, and an enormous tree in the hold that everyone, was decorating. Even _Jayne_ was there, though, admittedly, he was just watching _and making the occasional suggestion._ The only person absent was River. Needless to say, Mal had to put his foot down or try to.

"Captain. I'm the _Captain!_ Doesn't anybody round here know the meaning of the word?"

"Yes, sir." Zoe quickly responded, a faint smirk on her face. This was followed immediately by a response from Jayne.

"Uhh, yeah." Then he looked down and muttered something under his breath. Mal couldn't hear all of it, but he did pick out the words lousy, captain, Vera, and then what sounded disturbingly like 'ice cream.' Wisely, Mal decided to ignore it. Instead he glared at Kaylee who ignored him and hung another ornament up, one that looked suspiciously like a hydraulic roller lifter…

Sensing his glare, Kaylee met his gaze with a cheerful look on her face. "Yes, you're the cap'n, Cap'n" She conceded. "But we're Christmas mutineers. Gotta have a little fun sometime. Everyone's been far too sad's all, since well… you know." A quick dark look passed across Kaylee's face, the ship still wasn't the same without Wash even though it had been several months. The look quickly disappeared as her jaw hardened stubbornly. "I'm workin' to fix that."

Kaylee turned and hopped down from the ladder with Simon's help before taking a few steps back to admire the tree. "There, now, it looks real shiny." The tree was now an assortment of mechanical ornaments, most of which Mal didn't even want to think where they came from, and the occasional food product. He thought he saw a protein packet dangling from one of the top branches. Simon smiled at Kaylee, moving his hand to rub her back.

"It's… quaint."

The smile on Kaylee's face dropped as she whirled on Simon. "What's that supposed to mean?! Backwater? I s'pose you got all sorts of fancy schmancy ornamentation back--" Simon blanched and Mal might have enjoyed his back-pedaling if he weren't so damn irritated. Quickly Simon cut Kaylee off.

"Did I say quaint? I meant exotic! It's really… really lovely. Just like you." He finished weakly, then suddenly kissed her, going for the shut-her-up option. Mal really wished they wouldn't do that.

At that moment, River wandered into the hold, looking like a fairy in her flowing skirt and long hair. She froze for a moment looking at Kaylee and Simon. "No no no, I already have my data from you two. Take it elsewhere."

Simon and Kaylee separated quickly, an uneasy look appearing on Simon's face.

"You…what?!"

"Well I think it's terrible." Mal said, scowling getting back to the subject at hand. "Takes up space and all these make a mess of things."

River also ignored Simon's question as she now took in the surroundings. With a disturbed look on her face, she walked towards the stairs to go down into the hold, reaching out to touch the occasional bead along the way.

"Changes. Serenity in chains." She reached out to touch one of the garlands of red beads, then rapidly pulled her hand away again. Her gaze came to rest on the tree. "Not meant to have roots, roots not meant to be severed. That's how death comes…" River frowned for a moment, crossing her arms. "The tree is too pointy."

Mal gestured towards River. "See now, the lil' albatross here agrees with me, albeit in a creepy way."

Jayne snickered. "Yeah, the one that ain't right in the head agrees."

Simon frowned slightly, moving away from Kaylee who had apparently forgiven him by this point."Come on mei-mei. You used to love Christmas. Remember? Opening all the presents… you used to sing carols. You even left out milk and cookies for Santa Claus."

River shook her head violently. "Illogical. Irrational. Fat man, eats and eats, why doesn't he explode? The hair takes over his face. Choking him. No saying if it will come for somebody else … Excess. Squeezing through a tiny opening, reverse birth, body mass and weight compacted, but it makes no sense, he'd have to be liquid and then he'd be dead. But he isn't. Leaving things. No one so charitable. Can't be trusted. Then goes up again?! Flying on deer. No no no. It's not quantifiable. No one can be that jolly. Must have ulterior motives. Can't breathe in space… too short a time. Always checking, always watching. Many many lists, just like them. He knows if you've been bad, but how could he? Unless he's like me, but that's too many rooms, too many people. One night… no, impossible. Full of contradictions."

"Besides," River continued, ignoring Jayne. "I never got a pony."

Simon walked over to River, resting his hand against her shoulder, torn between amusement and disappointment. "River..."

Jayne at this point began to look a little freaked out. "On second thought, maybe this Christmas thing ain't such a good idea. Little witch might be right. I don't want nobody watching me… And with a name like that, can't be a friendly fellow. Why do you reckon that they do call him 'Claws'?"

Zoe sighed. "Jayne. He's just a myth and that's not the point."

Mal was actually surprised that Zoe was going for all of this, but it was Jayne he actually turned to and questioned.

"Jayne, if you didn't even know what Christmas was, why are you involved."

"Uh…. right" Jayne mumbled then looked around sheepishly. "Well, I like presents." Suddenly he grinned. "I already got mittens." Jayne pulled his hands out of his pockets revealing a pair of hideous bright orange knitted gloves. "From my mom."

Mal shook his head, smacking his hand over his eyes, he shouldn't have asked.

River flicked a disdainful glance at the gloves. "They look like deformed orange sheep."

"Hey!" Jayne said, a crushed look on his face.

Simon grinned and Kaylee tried to suppress hers, frowning slightly at River. "That's not too nice."

River rolled her eyes, and then she lifted her hand to the side of her face to block her mouth from Simon and Kaylee's sight. Mal could see though as she mouthed the word 'Baaaaa" to Jayne.

"Why you little—" Jayne took a step towards River, and Mal decided to intervene lest Jayne get beat up. Though come to think of it, that might not be such a bad thing. Still better stop it.

"Enough! I said no decoratin' and no Christmas and I meant it. Take this stuff down. Dong ma?!"

Kaylee pouted "Aw, somebody got coal for Christmas, didn't he? Just thought it'd be fun is all. Ke wu de lao bao jun… all we had left was to hang up some mistletoe."

"You're hangin' up someone's toes?" Jayne asked with a strange look of morbid fascination on his face. Then he grinned. "How bout Simon's..."

Simon shook his head, casting a disgusted look at Jayne. "No… just…no."

"It's a plant." Kaylee explained, rolling her eyes.

"What'sa point of hangin' more plants around? This ain't no damn arboretum."

Everyone paused to stare at Jayne and wonder how the hell _he_ had come up with that word. Shaking her head, Kaylee pressed forward with her explanation, waving a little green plant around.

"It's all in Christmas spirit. You hang it up and when two people stand beneath it they _have_ to kiss."

River shook her head violently. "Illogical. Plants don't inspire- really?" She broke off, looking at the little sprig.

Jayne lifted his hand to his chin, looking thoughtfully at the plants. Then at the women in the room. "Need help hangin' them?"

Mal shook his head in irritation. "There will be no more hanging of anything! We're gonna drop this, I don't want a tree rotting around in my hold." Suddenly the tree in question rustled violently and he took a step back. "Wo de ma!"

River shrieked and ran behind the stairs. "It's alive!"

Everyone else took a few steps back. Mal frowned, taking one step closer again. "What in the…"

Jayne frowned and inched closer himself, Vera magically in his hands. Mal shook his head. "Jayne, do not fire that in here!"

The other man scowled. "I ain't stupid. It makes a good blunt object to beat someone with." Then he inched closer to tree. Suddenly it rustled again and there was a sound of violent chirping as something flew at Jayne's face. He stumbled back dropping the gun as he pulled at the creature that had latched itself onto his head.

"Aughhhhhhhhh!" Jayne literally danced around trying to remove it. "Gorramit! Gorramit! Get it off! Get it off!" Jayne managed to toss the brown ball of fluff off of him, sending it right towards Mal. He released a shout himself as it attached to his hair, looking for a grip so it didn't fall. As he tried to get it off of him, he could hear River laughing hysterically in the background.

"I'll get it off Mal!" Jayne said. Mal couldn't really see as the brown fluff was covering his eyes and the little claws were stuck in his hair as it latched onto his face in a death grip. Mal suddenly had an image of Jayne picking up Vera and tried to get it off that way, "accidentally" missing and trying to take over as captain.

"Tian ziao den! Don't shoot it!" Mal hopped backwards, his back hitting pine needles and River was right, the tree _was_ too pointy. His heel hit the base and Mal began to lose his balance.

"Gou shi!" Mal tumbled back further into the tree, and both fell to the ground in a loud clang as the metal ornaments scraped the floor… and Mal's back. A violent chirping sounded again as a swarm of the creatures, scurried out of the tree. Mal stared up at the ceiling, stunned, as he could hear the fading sound of little claws on metal as they ran off to hide.

"My tree!!!" Kaylee shrieked.

Groaning, Mal sat up. "Your…_tree_?! Ni ta ma de tian xia suo you de ren dou gai si!"

With as much dignity as possible he got to his feet, trying not to think of the little critters over taking his ship. Kaylee's expression turned sheepish and she gave Mal a slightly hesitant smile.

"I mean… uh, all right Cap'n?"

Mal remained silent for a moment, composing his words as everyone fell silent around him, watching him carefully. Maybe _now_ they'd listen.

"You both scream like little girls." River said solemnly and the moment was blown. "They were just squirrels."

Mal scowled. "I… you…" He was speechless. Mal decided to steal Jayne's line. "I'll be in my bunk." Then he stormed out, knowing Zoe and the others would deal with the squirrels.

Reaching his quarters he climbed down the ladder and lay in his bunk, his arm covering his eyes as he tried not to think about the past hour. About another hour passed, before Mal began to find it funny, and he began to laugh. Despite the disaster, maybe Christmas wasn't _so _bad. Several minutes after, Mal sat up, moving his feet to the ground and starting when he saw River staring at him, her head poked down through the opening to the cabin.

"Hun dan! Don't do that, albatross." River shrugged and flipping, she fell down into the cabin, landing on her feet.

"Laughing alone is never a good sign. People might think you're crazy." She smiled.

Mal smiled himself, shaking his head. "Think so?"

River nodded. "I do. Time for you to come back now, for presents… from your friends."

Reaching out, she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the ladder and climbed out. Then she stopped, pointing upwards. Hanging from the metal ceiling was a single sprig of mistletoe. Mal's eyes widened slightly as he looked down at the mischievous girl.

"River…"

She placed her hand over his mouth, stopping him.

"No questions, no comments. It's required. It's our gift." Then she rose up to her tippy-toes and pressed a kiss against his lips. Automatically, Mal moved his hand to her waist, kissing her back, until very slowly she pulled away. He looked into her dark eyes, his expression still slightly stunned, but with a new realization lying behind his eyes.

"Well now…" Suddenly a slow smile spread to Mal's face. He shook his head ruefully. "I'm going to the bad hell."

River shook her head. "No. Not any more."

Mal smiled down at her then nodded. He might start to like Christmas…

Hand in hand, they walked back to the hold to where the others were waiting.


End file.
